athosing | iv.

[ Freedom. He had once given Shane the same answer, back when Shane was Alex, and Rafa was still human.

Freedom is an ideal. Its reality, therefore, is never what a man, in innocence, imagines it will be.

He nods, all the same. ]

Perhaps they will.

Where is it that you what to go, Adam? What does freedom mean?

[ Freedom from a person, or from a life? Or from this town, in general? Rafa could give those all to him, here and now. Yet he thinks if he offered, Adam would refuse.

Because he would not have earned that gift. Not yet.

An interesting boy. ]

[ It means everything. ]

Anywhere. Somewhere. [ He doesn't want to be as honest as he is right now but that's a problem when it comes to talking about the future. He gets so full of an impossible energy that he can't help himself. ]

I just want to be someone. And I can do that by working my ass off and making sure I do the best.

No.

[ Rafa shakes his head. He has turned to lean back against the desk now, and his arms have folded across his chest. ]

By being the best. Reward is there for those who seek it. There are better gifts than cars that I could give you.

[ Eternal life. Increased strength, senses, the ability to heal rapidly. All of these things could come from a couple of bites. It would take little more than that. ]

[ His eyes go hard, flinty. ]

Haven't you figured out I don't want gifts? [ Adam tips his chin up, the arrogance of surety in every inch of his expression. ] I'm not here to let anyone give me a way out. I'm doing it my way or not at all.

[ How many times has he muttered an alteration of those words before? To Gansey, to Ronan, to Blue. He has to. ]

[ Rafa's tiny smile doesn't even flinch. His head tilts, canting gently to one side. ]

And when someone offers you a job, is this what you will say? When they offer you a place at a college, or a company. When they offer you more money.

Will you refuse? Because you must take the longest and most difficult road there is?

No. [ His mouth is a line, his fingers digging in to the sides of his hips where they lay against his lap. He can hear an angry rush inside of his deaf ear, his blood boiling presumably. ]

Because getting a job means I'm the best person for it. A place at college means I'm smart enough to have it. A raise means I'm doing the right thing. I didn't make the road difficult, but I'm travelling it.

Things are not so simple.

[ Rafa pushes off the desk. He's warming to his theme, and he can hear the blood rushing in Adam's ears. The boy is growing angry again. He likes that, likes the increased heartbeat and the heat that surges to the surface of the skin. He can feel the temperature rise from here. ]

Getting a job means that they liked you the best. You could be the most qualified man in the room, and they will still promote their son above you. They raise your salary because you please them. Do you understand?

[ He lifts an eyebrow. ]

Honest men do not get ahead. You have to cheat if you expect to win. One day you will know this, even if you do not believe me now.

[ It's something he's told himself before, in the dead of the night where he knows no one can interrupt him. He doesn't have the right blood, the right temperament. And his rags to riches story won't happen because nobody believes in fairytales any more. But to have it laid out in front of him only makes him angrier, the kind of angry he imagines Ronan feels when he goes out at night to street race, the kind that you want to exhume even if it ends in death. ]

That shows what you know.

[ He is Adam Parrish: army of one. He won't let anyone tell him otherwise. ] I don't care about the keeping the norm. I care about breaking it.

[ With surprising speed, Rafa comes close to him again. He leans close, invading Adam's personal space. He puts his hands on the edge of the desk behind Adam, a hand on either side of the boy. Rafa isn't touching him, but if Adam moves forward, he will be. ]

I want you to break it. [ His voice softens, and warms. ] I want you to win. You have the will to. You are so angry, Adam. What makes you so angry? What did life deal you that you hate so very much?

[ His hand comes up as if to push Rafa's arm away. He doesn't like to be boxed in and it shows, his pulse beating hard in his throat and his nerves twitching at his cheek. He hasn't been hit in months but there's still the basic, animal instinct in him to cower away, to hide. Rafa - while supernaturally creepy - hasn't threatened him, hasn't raised his fist, but for a moment all Adam can smell is dry air and the metal tang of the trailer.

It takes him a minute, takes him too long for him to keep his cool but he lifts his gaze and stares straight at the other boy. ]

You don't get to know that. A trashed car doesn't make us friends. I'm not like one of the frat boys who bonds over breaking stuff because it's fun.

[ God, this is intoxicating. The scent of blood. The way it pumps through that artery, the pace of the heartbeat. It's so strong that Rafa's fangs briefly descend, though they're hidden behind his lips. He forces them back, controls his hunger. The darkening of his eyes is harder to hide. His lips part to draw in air, a necessity because Adam's scent is driving him to distraction now.

It would be easy to mistake that expression for lust. It feels much the same to Rafa; hunger and lust are bound very tightly in his mind, not least because he so often bites his prey while he's sleeping with them. He's hungry now. His desire to taste is almost overwhelming.

He remains careful not to touch. He's not sure he could hold himself back, if he did. ]

It was not fun. It was life or death. [ His eyes meet Adam's. There's a line of freckles dotting across one of his cheekbones. It's beautiful enough to feel like a taunt. Rafa wants to guide his fingers over that line. He imagines training his hand down, lifting up Adam's chin, tasting his lips and then moving down, down to that pulsing artery -

Another breath. He must not reveal himself. That would be far too easy, and he still wants the boy to guess. ] I would not have done it if I could have helped it. But I am sorry about your car. I am not sorry that it brought me to you.

[ He doesn't know what to make of the way Rafa is looking at him. It's almost as though he is so certain that to be looked at like that shouldn't be happening to him. In a fit of nervousness he looks away and then clears his throat, his irritation still simmering. ]

Why? [ It's a haughty demand, anything to focus on the moment at hand and keep the flush of his cheeks at bay. This person trashed his car and then brought him a shiny new one like it was nothing. Like that much money could be spent with the click of his fingers. Adam, who sometimes has to choose between gas and eating, can only imagine a life like that. ] Jesus Christ, just get out of my face, man.

Why are you even still here?

[ Rafa said nothing, at first. His eyes kept flicking between Adam's and that artery, and he was desperate to touch the boy's skin. He should have fed before he came here. He knew he should have, but there was a part of him that had wanted this. There was a side of Rafa that loved the feeling of need. That in itself was like a drug.

In the end, he forced himself to push away, and he turned as his fangs extended again. How easy it would be to take the boy now. To pin him, push back his resistance and drink from him. Rafa knew many vampires who would care only for the taste.

He did not. He sought more than that, and it was why he stopped himself now. ]

To speak with you. To know you. I told you why I was here. I have never lied to you. Why don't you believe it could be so simple?

[ He doesn't want to sit in the chair any longer, not when he can be so easily pinned into place. So he rises with a frenetic kind of energy, wishing for the first time that his apartment were larger so that he could pace it properly. ]

If you're looking for someone to talk to I'm sure there's a helpline for that. [ It's skittish and unkind but with Cabeswater calling to him like a mother calling a child away from the road, he can't help it. He feels on edge. He feels dangerous. ]

People don't act like this. They don't steal cars and then insinuate themselves into the owner's life.

[ Far from pinning Adam down again, Rafa’s posture seems to have relaxed. He goes back to the bed and this time lays back on it, crossing his ankles and folding his hands comfortably over his stomach. His eyes slide over Adam. The predatory nature of his look has not actually abated, but it is more languid and less energised, now. He’s no longer a cat pouncing on the mouse; he’s letting the mouse dangle, and watching it shudder. ]

I never claimed to be people. I told you otherwise, I believe. You know, there is no need to be so skittish.

[ He gestures to the way Adam is moving. He can smell adrenaline and fear. While that’s amusing, it’s not the scent that appeals most to Rafa, and it pushes some of his hunger away for now.

But still. He’s counting the freckles. ]

What are you afraid of? I don’t mean to harm you, surely you realise that by now.

[ Adam wonders if this is what having a cat must be like. Not one chosen, but the kind that turns up at your door and gets hair all over your stuff and before you know it you're staring at too many kinds of food in the grocery store trying to figure out what would please the little bastard. ]

You told me jack shit. [ The moment he curses his voice changes, moves away from the careful and clipped voice he tries so hard to cultivate to the round and country sound of Henrietta. To him it's a dirty accent, it brings up bleached grass and dust and the heat of metal. He can't ever wash it out. ] You told me you weren't human and you disappeared.

[ He doesn't answer the second thing, just crosses his arms across his chest and tries desperately to calm himself. ]

[ That’s an interesting change. Rafa always likes it when he makes the controlled ones curse. It means their control is wavering. He thinks of it as liberating them, which is why he likes it. He’d been that way with Shane as well, at first. He liked to hear him swear, liked to see him lustful, because he held himself back from carnality.

Rafa doesn’t understand the need to hold back from that, from any of that. Why do people feel such a need to deny themselves the pleasures in life? It seems to him that it’s almost exclusively a human failing. It is as though they are afraid to take enjoyment, as though they feel there is something wrong about answering their desires. By contrast, Rafa has always sought to answer his.

His fingers play over his stomach, and his eyes raise to watch Adam though his eyelashes. The corners of his mouth curve upwards. ]

I told you to guess. [ A minimal correction. His head lilts to one side. ] And you wanted me to leave. Can you blame me for obeying your desires? I feel the need. One of us has to.

[ The movements Rafa makes are literally part of the playbook of every hideous porn Ronan has ever made him watch. They're seductive and it makes something prickle at the back of his neck. Adam doesn't know what to do with someone looking at him like that. ]

I don't play games. [ He keeps his gaze very heavily trained just beyond Rafa's shoulder so that he's looking at him but not. ] You're not human, I get that. And you clearly want me to know what you actually are. So just stop being a dick about it and say it. [ This isn't Twilight, Rafa. ] Because I haven't got time for this.

[ Rafa laughs quite suddenly at that. No time. As if time is ever an issue. Humans are precious about that, too. It would be so easy for it never to matter, and they don’t even know it. He leans back. ]

It is not a game. You are so new to this, aren’t you?

[ His smile widens. ]

The magic in you is raw. I barely caught the scent at first. It should tell you all that you need to know about me, but it does not. You really don’t know, even now. I wonder if you will even believe me.

[ Suspension of disbelief can be a problem with humans – although, generally, Rafa finds that it makes them easier to feed on, so he doesn’t mind. He holds up his hand, and ticks facts off on his fingers. ]

I am strong. I am fast. I am cold enough for you to feel it when I am near, and I frighten you even when I am still and calm. You had to invite me in. Do you truly not know? [ One eyebrow arches up. Really, Adam? ] If I drink from you, will you know then? Or must I spell it out regardless?

[ Cabeswater knows. Cabeswater's been whispering it into his thoughts from the minute he got close enough to Rafa for them to feel it. But Adam ... well, if it weren't for Gansey tugging him into his desperate and wonderful world, he'd still be a creature of disbelief. ]

So you're a B-movie villain. [ Adam says it in a drawl, even more Henrietta in that moment but he needs his nonchalance right now. His crossed arms tighten a little, muscles tense. He knows what it all adds up to, he does. But it seems so ridiculous. More ridiculous than dead Kings and boys who can bring ravens from their dreams, more ridiculous than psychics and sacrificing yourself to a forest. It's fairytales and he won't say it, refuses to. ]

All of this seems a lot to get out of a joyriding charge.

[ Rafa laughs again, and this time gets back off the bed. He’s seen the movies the humans made of his kind. Some of them strike quite close to the mark. Others aren’t remotely close to what vampires are really like. None of them have everything right, but there’s enough. Enough that the most ordinary of humans should have an idea of what a vampire is, even if they don’t believe they’re real.

Someone like Adam, who is already touched by the supernatural, should know better. Rafa approaches him slowly, stalking his mouse. ]

It was a faerie. I told you, but you did not believe. That is the problem, Adam. You will not believe.

[ He moves faster than the eye could track to grab Adam’s hand, and lift it in a gentle grip. That grip is as firm as iron. Rafa’s body is slight and lithe, but even what muscles he has are not flexed. There’s nothing natural about his strength. Adam’s skin is impossibly warm to the touch, and he feels the blood moving through it. He’s close to the pulse point here, but he’s very careful not to touch it. That would be too much. ]

If you don’t believe what you see and hear, then believe what you feel.

[ He turns over his own wrist, and presses Adam’s fingers against it. Rafa has no heartbeat. The blood in his system is moved by another force, one that has little to do with the physical world. His heart has not beat in centuries. ]

Or what you don’t feel.

[ His eyes lift again. ]

Now do you believe?

[ His heart skips a beat, his fingers flex into a fist, his muscles tensed to pull away and yet -- he can't. This isn't like the times his father has grabbed him, Adam could move then, try and make himself smaller, no this is ... wrong. Rafa's fingers are like a vice and Adam has no choice but to do as he wants.

Part of him feels like scratching at the other boy's arm with his fingernails just to prove he isn't weak, that he won't be made to be again, but then his senses catch up. No pulse under icy skin. His face drains of heat, leaving the freckles stark against the bridge of his nose and his cheeks. ] So what? [ Lifting his head, his touch retreating once more into the fist he keeps making. ] You think you're the first dead person I've talked to?

At least Noah's more polite. [ But Rafa's ... not a ghost. ] Let go.

[ Adam’s heart speaks in a language all its own, independent of the boy’s voice. Hearts will do that. Hearts never lie. Rafa can hear the skip in the beat. Then he hears it rushing, as it drains blood away from the surface of the skin. That’s a pity. But it has a nice effect on those freckles. Rafa is minded to touch them, and would if Adam were less repelled by him.

But this is early days. With a smile, he releases the fist he’s holding, and shrugs his shoulders as if all of this is easy for him. As if every stuttering heartbeat is not a temptation, as if he doesn’t ache to sink his teeth into that freckle over the carotid artery. He’s thoughtful for a moment, and then he smiles wider, letting his teeth show. His fangs slide easily into place. The canines grow and retract again, usually by force of will – but, occasionally, because his need to feed is such that he can’t hold them back. It’s the former reason, now. ]

I think you needed the push. Who is Noah? Is that why I smell death here?

[ It’s not another vampire, he knows that much. It’s far more faint. ]

[ He can't help but watch. Part of him is horrified but the rest - well, Gansey's not the only one who can be fascinated by the otherness of the world. And while he hasn't said the word, he knows just what's standing inside of his apartment. He let him in. And he has no idea what to do now. ] He's my friend. [ It comes out dulled, with less anger, like for a moment his stubbornness has been short-circuited. ] He's a ghost.

[ As if he's sure Noah will turn up just because he's talking about him, Adam's gaze drifts over the room. Sometimes he does that, bringing with him a chill that permeates Adam's blankets, or glitter that falls into the cracks of his wood floor. But he's not here. It's just the two of them. ]

What are you doing here? [ Annoying Adam, surely. But there's a wider picture and he wants to be able to see it. ]

A ghost.

[ Rafa says it with interest, and his own eyes sweep the room. He moves to circle Adam, but for the first time, his attention is more on the room than the boy. ]

I have not known one before. Who knew that they could leave a scent? You would be very safe here.

[ He glances at Adam. ]

Most would avoid the scent of death, and vampires will avoid the Church as well.

[ It’s the first time he’s said the word. But since Adam is now openly talking about ghosts, perhaps that disbelief has finally been suspended. The question makes him turn again, and lift an eyebrow. ]

I told you. To replace the car, and to know you. Just because I am not human, does not mean all I do is lie to you.

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