[ He's spent far too long staring at the same patch of roof in his room, his brows furrowed slightly as he breathes in and out. The sun has slowly crept along the ceiling until the patches of shadow start to reach and extend, creeping to the edges of his mattress. He feels blank, as though everything inside of him as hollowed out. Even Cabeswater feels quiet, nothing but whispers at the very edge of his consciousness.
There's so much he could be doing, homework he should be writing, or more research for Ronan, or whatever the hell is on his plate. But he can't force himself to move. He only shifts his line of sight when he feels a change in the air. Noah stands at the edge of his bed and Adam feels the corner of his mouth twitch slightly. ]
Hey. [ He lifts a hand lightly, waggling his fingers. ] Are you okay?
[Noah shrugs his shoulder. "Okay" was a relative term when you were dead, but he liked being asked just the same. It made him feel a little less living impaired for a moment. He was feeling a little less substantial that day, the possibility of nothingness looming just behind him. Blue was busy with work and school and family, and while he didn't normally mind all that, he didn't want to get in the way. Never for Blue.]
Alright. Better than you look.
[He shuffled, taking up a spot on the edge of the bed next to Adam. If anything Adam looked about how he felt, not worse. It was just a joke, flat in tone. Adam looked listless, without purpose. Noah knew that well enough.]
[ He can see the nasty orange glow of the ceiling light through Noah's ribs. It makes something unhappy twinge inside him, though when he speaks Adam huffs out a strangled kind of laugh. ]
I'm tired. [ He hand he'd used to wave gets thrown over his forehead, to rub weakly at his temples. ] And I'm tired of ignoring how tired I am. [ He sighs then shifts slightly to give Noah more space, rolling on to his side and resting his cheek against the crook of his elbow. ] Is everything okay? [ He hates that he keeps saying okay like that. Things generally tend not to be no matter what they do. ] Gansey and Ronan, they're fine? You're not here because one of Ronan's creatures is tearing them up in the warehouse, right? Because that would suck.
[He let's out an odd sound that's half chuckling, half sighing. It was as if he'd forgotten if the thought was meant to be funny or depressing. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately, and he didn't like it. But being around the others, being around Blue, Gansey, Ronan, Adam...it helped.
Seeing that Adam wasn't moving, he fell back against the bed alongside him. Thinking for just a moment if he could remember what feeling tired was like. What he felt now wasn't tired, not really. It was more like that feeling where you could lose your grip on something at any moment.]
[ He seems a little more settled when Noah takes the space beside him, a half smile doing it's best to flicker to life at the corner of his mouth. ]
No. [ Sleeping didn't seem to do very much for him any more. But he's thankful that Noah asked, that he wasn't going to leave even if Adam had said yes. ] I could do with the company though. [ He watches him for a moment, brow furrowing very slightly. ]
You know if I could do something to help I would, don't you? [ It kills him that his friend might fade away. It kills him that he only has one favour to ask and that Gansey needs. ]
[Noah didn't say anything about it, but he knew that his being dead weighed down on his friends a lot. He could see it when they looked at him sometimes, or the way they avoided certain subjects when he was around. Or at least when they knew he was around.
He didn't like that they worried like that, so that's why he tried not to talk about it. Or made jokes about his less-than-living state that always fell flat.
He didn't like that Adam was talking about it now. They so rarely said anything direct like that about it. He actually jerked a bit at the question, like he'd been hit. But he calmed himself. Adam didn't need anymore trouble and Noah didn't want to cause any.]
I know. [A pause.] You don't have to try. It's okay.
It's not. [ He sighs before pressing his face into his arm to obscure it, his shoulders tense when they round in on himself. ] It's so not.
[ He stays silent for a moment, his chest rising and falling as he breathes, slow and steady and doing his best to keep calm. Sometimes he feels as though there's a monster inside of his chest doing it's best to claw through and out of his ribs. Sometimes it's all he can do to let that not happen. ]
Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if we just lived in a normal town? [ Maybe he wouldn't have met any of them, maybe he'd still be stuck in his trailer with bruises decorating his body, the magnetic pull to Gansey and Ronan and Noah and Blue laying dormant somewhere. ]
[They were close enough so that when Noah let his arm rest between them it was more like it was resting against Adam's leg. He didn't think much of it, given how in-between her physical state could get.]
If we liked in a normal town I'd just be dead dead. [He paused, thinking over his statement, not for its morbidity, but because...would it really be true? The ley line was what brought on the trouble to begin with, wasn't it?]
Either that or I'd be old. Maybe teaching you all in class. [He let out a hollow chuckle that ended up sounding more like a sigh.]
[ He's been getting used to other people touching him now. Gansey does it as though it's as natural as breathing, Blue touches him like she forgets herself and he has to smile each time she does so that she knows he's not angry or upset, even Ronan with his constantly bruised knuckles touches Adam, but he tries not to think about that as much as he can. Ronan touching him still makes his heart beat like a caged thing.
For a moment he tries to work out if Noah feels cold through his jeans before he gives up entirely and lets his focus drift to examining his friend's face. The smudge on his cheek is dark and unhappy looking and it makes Adam's gut twist. ]
Well, if you ever want to see what that's like I'll wrangle up Ronan and Gansey for you. [ He smiles a little, tries to keep it up even when he feels it hollow out. ] Do you think you would have stayed in Henrietta?
[He shrugs in reply, his shoulder bumping up against Adam's. It wasn't something he'd ever really considered, even when he was alive. Noah had always been a day-to-day sort of person, not a big picture sort. He thought maybe that was why he liked Adam, Gansey, Ronan, and Blue so much. They all had been dreams, even if they didn't always admit it. Noah could tell. He could feel their ambition for the future while he just faded away a bit at a time.
It never made him jealous though. He was glad for them, that they could do all the things he could not. He didn't have hopes and dreams for himself anymore, he had hopes and dreams for them.
So maybe he would have stayed in Henrietta. Maybe he wouldn't have ever dreamed beyond the borders of the place where he was born.]
I don't know. Maybe. It's nice here. [When dangerous things weren't happening all the time, anyway.]
Is it? [ He doesn't say it with anger, just a kind of exhausted curiosity. Henrietta has never been kind to him. ( Even as he thinks that he feels a twist of guilt, his family had never been kind, his home had never been kind, but Gansey? And Blue and Noah and even Ronan? They had saved him. He still didn't really know how to deal with that feeling, the acceptance of their help, the loosening of his own control, part of him still wanted to claw it back from them. But they were his friends and they loved him. He loved them too, when he allowed himself to. ) ]
Sometimes I think I could just go now. [ If he weren't so desperate to finish Aglionby, if he didn't need to prove himself, if he had a fast car like Ronan and a devil-may-care attitude. He'd leave, he'd go and he'd never look back. ] Sometimes I wish I could. I guess I never really thought about staying.
[Noah didn't blame Adam for thinking that way. Sometimes it was hard to focus on the details, hard to understand what was troubling the others because he was just so separate. But he understood this. He knew Adam hadn't had a lot of good in his life until Gansey and the others came into it. In a way, it had been the same for him. There was a reason he had latched on to these particular Aglionby boys after all.]
You'd leave them behind? Gansey, Blue, Ronan? {It was so easy to to include himself. Sometimes, it felt like he'd get left behind anyway. No matter who did the leaving.]
[ He's quiet for a long moment, his gaze fixed on a point of Noah's shoulder. If he looks hard enough he can see the comforter through him. ]
I don't know. Maybe. [ He's torn between his love for them and his desire to get out. And it's hard, for a boy like Adam, who only knows that urge to escape. Care and comfort hadn't really been so much of a big thing before. ]
[Noah rolled his head to the side, giving Adam the most dead-pan of looks. (No pun intended). Maybe the others didn't see it, what with all of their own problems and personalities being so loud, but quiet, watchful Noah saw it. However it had happened, they were a network, like systems inside the body. If just one thing, one person was missing, everything would fall apart.]
Of course they do. [He's not placating. He means it as fact - as true as the Earth revolving around the sun.]
[ He winces a little at the look he's getting. He knows it isn't fair to act the way he does when everyone else is always so confident in themselves. But Adam's still finding his place, still trying to work out who he is. And he's so good at upsetting them, Blue, Gansey, Ronan, that sometimes it feels like he should just ...
Bow out. ]
Yeah. [ He doesn't really see it. ] I'm great company, huh?
[Noah, who notices quite a lot doesn't think that any of them are as confident as they appear, but he doesn't say so. It almost felt like if he voiced the thought the whole group would slowly cave in on itself, which was the last thing he wanted.]
If you didn't fit then you wouldn't be with them. [Adam could put himself down as much as he liked, but the fact of the matter was that their circle was a small one, a tight one, and fitting into it (or not) came as natural as breathing (or not, in Noah's case.]
[ He knows that. Of course he knows that. Because Gansey could have anyone as his friend, he could charm the birds down from the trees he was that good. And it was still Adam he spoke to, still Adam he wanted around. Even Ronan could force him away and he didn't.
But sometimes it was so easy to think so little of himself. It's all he's ever known.
Still, he swallows it down and looks at Noah, his face still creased in a frown but his voice shifting to neutral. ] What's the plan for tomorrow anyway? I meant to ask Gansey but since you're here.
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There's so much he could be doing, homework he should be writing, or more research for Ronan, or whatever the hell is on his plate. But he can't force himself to move. He only shifts his line of sight when he feels a change in the air. Noah stands at the edge of his bed and Adam feels the corner of his mouth twitch slightly. ]
Hey. [ He lifts a hand lightly, waggling his fingers. ] Are you okay?
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Alright. Better than you look.
[He shuffled, taking up a spot on the edge of the bed next to Adam. If anything Adam looked about how he felt, not worse. It was just a joke, flat in tone. Adam looked listless, without purpose. Noah knew that well enough.]
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I'm tired. [ He hand he'd used to wave gets thrown over his forehead, to rub weakly at his temples. ] And I'm tired of ignoring how tired I am. [ He sighs then shifts slightly to give Noah more space, rolling on to his side and resting his cheek against the crook of his elbow. ] Is everything okay? [ He hates that he keeps saying okay like that. Things generally tend not to be no matter what they do. ] Gansey and Ronan, they're fine? You're not here because one of Ronan's creatures is tearing them up in the warehouse, right? Because that would suck.
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[He let's out an odd sound that's half chuckling, half sighing. It was as if he'd forgotten if the thought was meant to be funny or depressing. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately, and he didn't like it. But being around the others, being around Blue, Gansey, Ronan, Adam...it helped.
Seeing that Adam wasn't moving, he fell back against the bed alongside him. Thinking for just a moment if he could remember what feeling tired was like. What he felt now wasn't tired, not really. It was more like that feeling where you could lose your grip on something at any moment.]
You need to sleep? I can be real quiet.
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No. [ Sleeping didn't seem to do very much for him any more. But he's thankful that Noah asked, that he wasn't going to leave even if Adam had said yes. ] I could do with the company though. [ He watches him for a moment, brow furrowing very slightly. ]
You know if I could do something to help I would, don't you? [ It kills him that his friend might fade away. It kills him that he only has one favour to ask and that Gansey needs. ]
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He didn't like that they worried like that, so that's why he tried not to talk about it. Or made jokes about his less-than-living state that always fell flat.
He didn't like that Adam was talking about it now. They so rarely said anything direct like that about it. He actually jerked a bit at the question, like he'd been hit. But he calmed himself. Adam didn't need anymore trouble and Noah didn't want to cause any.]
I know. [A pause.] You don't have to try. It's okay.
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[ He stays silent for a moment, his chest rising and falling as he breathes, slow and steady and doing his best to keep calm. Sometimes he feels as though there's a monster inside of his chest doing it's best to claw through and out of his ribs. Sometimes it's all he can do to let that not happen. ]
Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if we just lived in a normal town? [ Maybe he wouldn't have met any of them, maybe he'd still be stuck in his trailer with bruises decorating his body, the magnetic pull to Gansey and Ronan and Noah and Blue laying dormant somewhere. ]
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If we liked in a normal town I'd just be dead dead. [He paused, thinking over his statement, not for its morbidity, but because...would it really be true? The ley line was what brought on the trouble to begin with, wasn't it?]
Either that or I'd be old. Maybe teaching you all in class. [He let out a hollow chuckle that ended up sounding more like a sigh.]
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For a moment he tries to work out if Noah feels cold through his jeans before he gives up entirely and lets his focus drift to examining his friend's face. The smudge on his cheek is dark and unhappy looking and it makes Adam's gut twist. ]
Well, if you ever want to see what that's like I'll wrangle up Ronan and Gansey for you. [ He smiles a little, tries to keep it up even when he feels it hollow out. ] Do you think you would have stayed in Henrietta?
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It never made him jealous though. He was glad for them, that they could do all the things he could not. He didn't have hopes and dreams for himself anymore, he had hopes and dreams for them.
So maybe he would have stayed in Henrietta. Maybe he wouldn't have ever dreamed beyond the borders of the place where he was born.]
I don't know. Maybe. It's nice here. [When dangerous things weren't happening all the time, anyway.]
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Sometimes I think I could just go now. [ If he weren't so desperate to finish Aglionby, if he didn't need to prove himself, if he had a fast car like Ronan and a devil-may-care attitude. He'd leave, he'd go and he'd never look back. ] Sometimes I wish I could. I guess I never really thought about staying.
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You'd leave them behind? Gansey, Blue, Ronan? {It was so easy to to include himself. Sometimes, it felt like he'd get left behind anyway. No matter who did the leaving.]
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I don't know. Maybe. [ He's torn between his love for them and his desire to get out. And it's hard, for a boy like Adam, who only knows that urge to escape. Care and comfort hadn't really been so much of a big thing before. ]
They don't need me anyway. Not really.
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Of course they do. [He's not placating. He means it as fact - as true as the Earth revolving around the sun.]
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Bow out. ]
Yeah. [ He doesn't really see it. ] I'm great company, huh?
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If you didn't fit then you wouldn't be with them. [Adam could put himself down as much as he liked, but the fact of the matter was that their circle was a small one, a tight one, and fitting into it (or not) came as natural as breathing (or not, in Noah's case.]
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But sometimes it was so easy to think so little of himself. It's all he's ever known.
Still, he swallows it down and looks at Noah, his face still creased in a frown but his voice shifting to neutral. ] What's the plan for tomorrow anyway? I meant to ask Gansey but since you're here.